Me, My Selfie, and I

I'm not sure how it starts, but when all the negative little things start adding up in my life, I can feel the depression take over my mind, and body.  There must be some kind of internal scale inside of me, that once it goes past the half way point of " I can handle this", it starts teetering toward the "I cannot do this anymore".  I know when it happens.  I can feel the scale tipping and the depression starting to pour into me.

I am not alone with these feelings.  Everyone has a way of coping with their scale.  Some people take a vacation to clear their minds, some people choose to eat the entire ice cream container in one sitting, or still others choose a much lonelier, and addicting , escape from their depression.  I on the other hand, have found there is only one way I feel better, inside and out, and helps balance my scale.

I love to run.

Yeah, that's me with the bright pink headband.  Don't laugh, it's warm.

When I run, everything around me goes away, and I'm only left with my wandering thoughts.  And the cars. Why do cars always seem to swerve toward me, even though I'm actually in the gravel, far out of their way?  I'd like to wave a special finger signal to them, but I'm too busy trying to save my life.  I digress.

I control everything when I run.  My legs, my breathing, and most importantly, my music in my I Phone. Everything I do when I run is just for me.  When I feel that I can't run any farther, I just think of all things I have had to overcome these past two years, and can find the strength to push on just a little more.

I continue to set goals for myself.  By next spring I would like to be able to run a half marathon.  Will life allow me to do this?  Pretty uncertain at this point, but it gives me something to help keep my scale even.  It gives me something.

To me, running is just like the tree behind me in the picture.  If you don't take time to look closely at yourself and your needs, you may just forget what the most important thing is.

Strength to hold on.

Stress Pressure

Yesterday I had my wonderful annual health exam.  Not a real fan of these appointments, but then again what woman is?  It's a very important exam, I get that, and I go every year without fail, but if a guy had to go through what we do, there would be tears for sure.

My doctor is a woman, and she's awesome.  When I was in labor with Sophia, she was so calm and in in control, I was at complete ease (except for those lovely labor pains that feel like an alien is about to burst out of you).  When Sophia decided 5 minutes before being pushed out that her heart should start beating irregularly, my doctor turned into a super hero.  The room went from cozy maternity to a full blown scene from a t.v. drama.  Oxygen mask on, bed rails up, and all hands on deck.  I'm pretty sure an alarm started going off in the halls, code "get the hell out of the way".  I didn't have time to process what was going on, but I do know I'm sure they broke some records  running down the maternity halls with me to the OR.  Sophia was delivered safe and sound.

My blood pressure remained perfect.

Madeline's entrance into the world wasn't as dramatic, but diabetes made up for that.

Diabetes takes a huge toll on me physically and mentally.  Some days I can feel the stress running through my veins.  My brain never shuts off, and if it does, the alarm next to my bed reminds it to wake up.  I have not had a full nights sleep in 2 and half years.  Interesting, I don't know if I could sleep a full 8 hours anymore.  I can only imagine what my poor body is going through.

But as of yesterday, my blood pressure remains perfect.  

Uh-may-zing.

I wonder if I should laugh when I hear my doctor say: "just keep doing whatever it is you're doing".

I really don't want to.



 








    

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Brain Matters

Recently, Madeline had her 3 month diabetes check up. And the dreaded A1C. Madeline has been on an insulin pump since May, so I really had no idea what to expect this time around. I review the numbers, charts and graphs every week, but it's those sneaky numbers that don't get caught that end up biting you in the butt.

I remained calm on the drive in to the hospital. I remained calm in the waiting room. I did not remain calm when I decided to test Madeline 2 minutes before we were called in for her A1C and saw a great big 340 on the meter. How could this happen? Curse you Jimmy Dean breakfast biscuit with sausage!!!

I suppose with anything diabetes, it's just another kick in the arse to remind you why you have to come every 3 months for tests.

Of course we were called in to our appointment before I could even get a correction going on her pump. Damn timely office appointments. The correction was made one minute before she stuck out her finger for that drop of blood. My heart sank.

We head into the exam room and do the ritual of health questions and concerns (Concerns? Who me? Why do you ask?) and how are we doing with Madeline's overall care. My eyes are scanning every piece of paper in front of me, but I can't see the elusive A1C number anywhere. This must be bad. They must be shaking their heads and trying to find a way to break the news to me.

Before my mind could slap me around any further, I was given my diabetic grade (the rule says to not treat A1C's as a report card, but rather a learning tool. Right. Tell that to my abusive brain).

7.4%. Can I have a woot woot!! That is the lowest A1C in over two years for Madeline.

Instead of my brain slapping me around, we were slapping high fives! Any doubt I may have had with Madeline going on an insulin pump is gone. It is very clear the pump has given us so much more control than injections. It hasn't even been 5 months on a pump, so I remain optimistic for even better A1C's in the future.

To Madeline, it was just another number.  She has bigger things to be working on right now, like learning to ride a bike without training wheels.

I am not allowed to help her.

I make her nervous.

How ironic.

A Day In My Shoes

There seems to be a trend happening around me these days.  Puppies.  I now have 2 friends that have taken on the challenge of becoming puppy owners.  These wonderful people have full time jobs, teenage children, and a hectic schedule around their kids sports. 

They must be out of their minds.

They also want to know when I will be getting a puppy.

I was the last of our friends to have kids.  Had we been able to have kids when we wanted, I too would have teenagers right now, and would probably be jumping on the puppy wagon.  As my life is now,  I have just cleared the potty training, babygates, and "I can't leave you alone for more than 5 seconds" stages.  My dear friends have not had these moments in their life for quite a few years, and apparently have missed them.  As I said, they must be out of their minds.

I am a mom to a 4 and 7 year old.  I work outside the house.  I am a full time pancreas.   

Walk a day in my shoes (if the puppy hasn't already chewed on them), and tell me to get a dog.

I love dogs, I really do.  We had Sydney for almost 13 years, and I still get a tear in my eye for him.  Someday I will be ready for another dog.  Just not yet.

For now, our cat will have to do.  Gracie may not fetch a ball, lick our faces, or be man's best friend, but she sure is the life of the party.

Meow.

 




 
       

Two Years

Two years ago Madeline was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes.

 Two years ago I started blood sugar testing and giving Madeline multiple daily injections.

Two years ago I cried so hard I thought my tear ducts would run dry.

Two years ago I wondered how I would survive taking care of a diabetic toddler.

Two years ago I felt there was no one who could possibly understand our diabetic life.

Two years later Madeline is on an insulin pump.

Two years later I sometimes cry, but prefer silent swearing and finger actions.

Two years later I wonder how I will survive taking care of a crazy pre-schooler.

Two years later Madeline has a playdate with a little friend that is diabetic and wears an insulin pump.

Two years later there is still a long road ahead of us.  We could choose to drive in the slow lane and let life pass us by, or grab the map, hit the gas and see where this road takes us.

Buckle up.

Sleep Tight

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about sleep.  Sheep, fences, puffy clouds, I want the whole package.

We started Madeline on her Medtronic Revel insulin pump one month ago.  Besides a bent cannula on day one (note: Madeline's tummy is made out of steel) our newbie pump status has been pretty easy.  I can see the benefits everyday.

  

I have surprised myself with how quickly I have come to rely on an insulin pump.  I love Medtronic's Bolus Wizard.  No let me rephrase that.......I LOVE MEDTRONIC'S BOLUS WIZARD!  After 2 years of number crunching, calculators and a lot of WTF, I get almost giddy when the little Wizard gives me numbers.  Madeline is getting insulin continually, blood sugars have become more consistant, and we have much more flexability with mealtimes.  Things are gradually falling into a comfortable routine.

Except for sleep.  Oh sweet, sweet sleep.

I have worn a path between my bedroom and Madeline's bedroom.  I have always tested Madeline during the night, just not as often as I have since her pump start.  I am a touch out of my comfort zone.  I have control of the pump, but diabetes has control of Madeline.  I tell the pump what I want it to do, but that doesn't mean diabetes isn't going to throw me a curve ball.  I set alarms throughout the night to be sure all is well.  I only have one Madeline, so if my sleep must pay the price, so be it.  Eventually I will find a good balance.

But geez, I really miss my sleep now.

So if you see me out and about and I look like I haven't slept in days, that's because I haven't slept in days.  Please do not tell me "take a nap, you'll feel better".  If I could take a nap, I would not be running into you so that you could tell me to take a nap.  A nice smile, an understanding  nod of the head to my incoherent babble, and let me be on my way.

Just make sure I'm going in the right direction once I'm on my way.











 


       

Pearly Whites

Yesterday was a very big day for Madeline...she had her first dental cleaning!  All this time she has had to sit and watch from the sidelines as her sister got to sit in the special chair and have fun things done in her mouth (at least that is what we have been telling her).

As I sat filling out the paperwork for Madeline, I realized I have never had to write out her medical history before.  I have filled out paperwork many times for the doctors office, but they know the deal with her Type 1, and just need to know if there have been any changes.  This was different.  I actually had to list her insulin medications, hospital visits, and the biggie, diabetes.
 
As we waited in the waiting room, I could see the receptionist talking quietly with the dentist and pointing out her medical history.  Yeah, a 4 year old with diabetes,  that will for sure create a little "what the whaaaat?".

As Madeline climbed on the fun chair that moves up and down, the dentist looked at me and said: "so, I see Madeline has diabetes?  Type 1?".  Wow, at that point I realized I had just wrote "diabetes", not "Type 1 diabetes", on her paperwork.  Why, I have no idea.  So I am incredibly happy that he knew what type of diabetic she was, I nod my head wildly and blurt a surprised "yes!".  To which his reply was "so you control her diabetes with food and exercise?".  My happy face fell off my face in a nano-second when I had to say "no, she is insulin dependent".  He then realized that her listed medications of Humalog and Lantus must be insulin's.  I'm betting there was a little internet surfing going on after we left the office.

It is very frustrating when people are confused about diabetes.  Meri at Our Diabetic Life explains this perfectly. 

I still love our dentist.  He made Madeline's first cleaning so fun and exciting, we were all laughing.  I don't know what was funnier, Madeline keeping her mouth wide open the entire time she sat in the chair (impressive), or the dentist cracking up at Madeline discovering new uses for the suction tube for spit.  I must say, the girl is creative.

It was so nice to have an appointment that didn't require blood sugar numbers, finger pricks or a million questions.  Our only instructions were "keep up the good work with brushing and flossing!".   How refreshing.

Madeline will be back in 6 months for another cleaning.  Next time she will be wearing her new Medtronic Revel insulin pump (more on that next post).  I'm sure that will create a few new diabetic questions, that Madeline, will be more than happy to explain.

That is if she closes her mouth long enough.